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End times 29 May 2015

Posted by adhitya nagara in sebuah postingan.
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I have been taking painkillers lately.

I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time I’ve enjoyed life, or at least, put on a sincere smile. Months, years, decades… they come and go and I still have no idea how to define happiness. “Why?” would be the very question I’ve been asking every single day, and then my next question would be “Who am I talking to? Who am I questioning?”. It could very well be myself. It’s not wrong, or unhealthy, to talk to yourself right? I mean, you are the only who understands you. Completely.

In this world, in this life, for the past few years, I have been searching for the meaning of happiness: what it really holds, how to achieve it, and why do I want it so much. I have come to a conclusion that, the years are not enough to perfectly define happiness. The way I see it, they are just another ladder I have to climb, slowly, to get to the top. It has never been clear to me, what is there at the top for me? Treasures? Gold? Another ladder? Or nothing? Although I’ll be honest: I’m tired of climbing. The road is steep and my limbs have grown weary, my muscles are starting to decay and my brain has become faulty. I am on this journey alone, into an unknown territory, with no guarantee of satisfying reward.

And these painkillers have become ineffective.

The parasite that has been eating me are becoming immune to it. It is starting, although not rapidly, to show its vicious fangs again. It is making a comeback, stronger than ever. I should just let it eat me the first time it showed up. These painkillers, they never really kill. They never inflicted fatal wound to the parasite, the only thing it did was slowing it. And as the time passes, this monster is finally able to conquer them… Now it is threatening me, ready to jump on me when the time comes.

A dear friend of mine had a dream about me the other day. In it, I died.

And a major part of me want it to be true.

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