End times 29 May 2015
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I have been taking painkillers lately.
I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time I’ve enjoyed life, or at least, put on a sincere smile. Months, years, decades… they come and go and I still have no idea how to define happiness. “Why?” would be the very question I’ve been asking every single day, and then my next question would be “Who am I talking to? Who am I questioning?”. It could very well be myself. It’s not wrong, or unhealthy, to talk to yourself right? I mean, you are the only who understands you. Completely.
In this world, in this life, for the past few years, I have been searching for the meaning of happiness: what it really holds, how to achieve it, and why do I want it so much. I have come to a conclusion that, the years are not enough to perfectly define happiness. The way I see it, they are just another ladder I have to climb, slowly, to get to the top. It has never been clear to me, what is there at the top for me? Treasures? Gold? Another ladder? Or nothing? Although I’ll be honest: I’m tired of climbing. The road is steep and my limbs have grown weary, my muscles are starting to decay and my brain has become faulty. I am on this journey alone, into an unknown territory, with no guarantee of satisfying reward.
And these painkillers have become ineffective.
The parasite that has been eating me are becoming immune to it. It is starting, although not rapidly, to show its vicious fangs again. It is making a comeback, stronger than ever. I should just let it eat me the first time it showed up. These painkillers, they never really kill. They never inflicted fatal wound to the parasite, the only thing it did was slowing it. And as the time passes, this monster is finally able to conquer them… Now it is threatening me, ready to jump on me when the time comes.
A dear friend of mine had a dream about me the other day. In it, I died.
And a major part of me want it to be true.
A mask that has no face 27 August 2014
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I have grown accustomed to pain and despair.
It was a drizzly day, the sound of droplets as they fell down the earth harmonize, creating a lazy, ambient background. It was nearly in the middle of the 24-hour circle, as the shorter hand pointed toward the lower right section of the clock—the black and white plates surround the two brothers in their journey around the clock. Tick tock, they said.
I might not have seen it coming.
I winced as I touched the tip of my phone, the ringing on it just couldn’t get any less noisy. My fingers around it, the thumb slide in a linear fashion so quickly as if it had done it a thousand times. My eyes gazed the whole bright screen as the other fingers work toward a question…
I might not have seen it coming. I might have.
There was a theory about the massive meteorite that struck down the earth some billion years ago that effectively ended the Jurassic age, allowing the earth as we know it moved on into something new. And just like that, new life blossomed into existence, generating a new cycle. But that was a theory.
I have seen it coming. I was just a feeble soul who feeds on hope.
What I saw on the screen that day could just be the very death of what little hope I had in heart. A hope I’ve embraced since I was a bigger fool than I am right now. A hope I’ve kept alive, shielded it from any possible intruders. A wise man once said that it is a very dangerous thing to lose hope. And now I lost it. I lost it and have no way to recover it.
I am just an empty soul with a feeble body as its shell. A lion without its mane. A bird without wings. A mask that has no face.
Sing us a song, you’re the piano man 19 April 2011
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Music is my true passion.
Let’s see, been listening to this song over and over for the past couple of days – and I already wished I’ve lived in the older years, when everything’s good and the music are fine pieces of art.
Cuma mau share video YouTube. Ini versi asli Piano Man – Billy Joel (thank god it’s not blocked, lol):
Nadanya, liriknya, harmonikanya – wah sekali! I can never get bored listening to this song, literally. Suatu saat saya akan mengcover masterpiece satu ini, sayang sekarang main piano aja belum becus, apalagi mau belajar harmonikanya, huhu. But still, satu poin yang ingin saya sampaikan pada post satu ini adalah kalo musik di jamannya emak bapak kita itu jauh lebih bagus, lebih ‘mewah’ dan segala macemnya.
Saya gila kalau bahkan berpikir untuk membandingkan lagu lama dengan lagu ‘modern’. Musik jaman sekarang kebanyakan curhatnya, galaunya, dinamika lagu pun jelek, kebanyakan ngulang-ngulang lirik, bikin lagu tersebut norak dan ga ada nilai seni sama sekali.
‘I love repetition!’ – Stewie sarcastic remark on Surfin’ Bird.
Clumsy Clairvoyance 12 December 2010
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I love this blog so much better than tumblr.
Ya, saya berhenti ngetumblr ah. Ntah kenapa kok males… saya lebih suka blog yang ginian ternyata haha. Seperti biasa, saya akan menulis hal-hal ga penting yang terjadi pada saya. Pertama-tama, pernahkah kamu merasa bahwa kamu memiliki semacam bakat gaib? Itu terjadi pada saya.
Bermula ketika saya bermain World of Warcraft. Di game tersebut, sebagaimana game-game lain, menyediakan fitur Guild. Kalau yang ga familiar sama yang namanya MMORPG: guild adalah semacam wadah dimana player-player terkumpul – mungkin, menurut pengertian saya, sederhananya, Guild adalah sebuah grup dalam tingkatan yang lebih tinggi dan lebih terorganisir. Lanjut, nah, nama Guild tersebut adalah GoodFellas. Karena nampaknya nama tersebut lumayan keren (dan kenyataan bahwa guild tersebut dibikin oleh player Indonesia), saya join.
Beberapa minggu kemudian, saya sedang browsing Wikipedia, karena bosan, dan mengklik link 100 Top British movie atau apalah itu. Dan disitulah saya menemukan kata-kata: Good Fellas. Ternyata oh ternyata, nama tersebut diambil dari sebuah film Inggris! Lha, trus kenapa? Cuma kebetulan aja sama.
Nah, I don’t think so. Beberapa hari kemudian saya sedang menonton TV. Sayangnya saya lupa sedang nonton apa, tapi tiba-tiba salah seorang aktor berbicara dengan aktor lainnya, seingat saya seperti ini: ‘You look like a guy from Good Fellas!’ Serentak hati saya terkejut: lagi-lagi nama tersebut muncul! The magic is here: saya merasa seakan-akan memiliki bakat untuk – entah bagaimana caranya – menemukan jawaban atas pertanyaan yang saya pikirkan tanpa begitu memikirkannya (hayoloh maksudloh!?).
Dan ini tidak terjadi kadang-kadang, tapi sering! Dan barusan tadi saya mengalaminya. Jumat kemarin saya bertanya-tanya apa beda antara trombus dan emboli. Lalu tadi saya iseng ngeliatin tulisan-tulisan saya di MacBook (tanpa maksud mencari perbedaan antara dua hal tersebut), dan voila, saya menemukan perbedaannya!
So, my dear imaginary readers, does this occur to you as well?
Be Hot 10 August 2010
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Hai teman-teman, baik yang muslim maupun non-muslim! Blogpost ini dibuat secara dadakan, maka dari itu isinya akan pendek dan simpel. Sederhananya sih, kan besok udah mulai puasa tuh, saya cuma hanya ingin mengucapkan saja doang: Selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa bagi umat Islam! Semoga di bulan penuh berkah ini kita dapat menjalankan ibadah puasa dengan lancar dan khidmat. Semoga ga bolong-bolong, aminnn!!!
Marhaban yaaa Ramadhan! (sedikit curhat, kalau sebenarnya nama saya itu aslinya adalah ‘Ramadhan’, tapi setelah timbang-menimbang, akhirnya nama saya bertransformasi menjadi ‘Adhitya’, nyehehehe!) Dan bila ada yang bertanya kok post ini dinamakan ‘be hot’? Yah, cari sendiri jawabannya, nggak seru dong kalo dikasih tau! Buehehehehe.
Sekian saja blogpost nggak penting ini, selamat berpuasa yah teman-teman! *semoga saya solatnya juga ga ikutan dipuasain yeee hahaha*
adhitya nagara, definitely not some kind of tree 